Big Break

“To whomever cares,

I’ve tried making sense as to why I am the way I am.  I didn’t ask to be this way.  I didn’t ask to be some strange, annoying person.  I’ve tried to fit in wherever I go.  But it doesn’t seem to work.  I always seem to be the outcast.  An extra wheel that is never needed or wanted.  That doesn’t just happen with what little friends I have but with my family too.  I know I’m not perfect and I don’t try to be.  But for once I would like to know what it feels like to have someone in my life who actually wants to be there.  I want to know what it feels like to have someone drop whatever it is they’re doing to help me.  I know that sounds selfish and pathetic but, for once it would be nice.  If just for ten minutes.  I don’t know what it is I did wrong in my past life, but whatever it is I’m sorry.  I’m sorry to whoever I did wrong.  I’m sorry for something I did or didn’t do.  I’m sorry for whatever it is I should’ve done or could’ve done.   I’m just sorry.  Sorry I couldn’t be the person people want me to be.  Sorry for not being the ideal person.  I wish I could change who I was, so I could have someone.  But I’m afraid that it is too late for me to be anything other than what I am.  I’m afraid that the people in my life aren’t really happy I am in their lives.  That I’m just a nuisance that they tolerate.  And not in a good way.  They have to put up with me and my weirdness.  And for that I’m sorry for not being good enough.  There’s this voice inside my head that keeps telling me that I’m not good enough.  Not good enough to have friends or feel loved.  Not good enough to make it through school or do an excellent job at work.  I feel like over the holidays I let everyone down.  The way I keep getting told how poor a job we did doesn’t help matters either.  Just once I wish someone would choose me over everyone else.  But it’s not going to happen.  I only mean anything to anybody when I can provide a service to them.  They only want me around when I can help them or make them laugh or take care of them.  Then I mean nothing to them until they need me again.  I wonder what it’s like to have someone actually be there for you when you need them to be.  It seems every time I ask anyone for anything it’s a hassle for them.  But if I say I can’t do something then I’m being selfish and a waste.  Whenever I go out by myself I see friends hanging out with one another and I long for that feeling.  People ask me what it is I want for my birthday or Christmas, and I’ve tried telling people all I want is someone.  But they brush it off like it’s nothing.  I just want to mean something to someone.  I wish I could have someone, anyone just give me the time of day.  But that’ll never happen because of something I don’t know.  I don’t know why I am the way I am.  I don’t know what it is I did or didn’t do.  I look out my window watching the vehicles pass by and just wish that one of those vehicles had a friend in it wanting to meet up for something.  But they turn away and like everyone I talk to, they’re gone.  It must be nice to have someone to spend time with.  To go out with.  Not romantically but just friends.  I’ve given up on looking for love a long time ago.  I know I’ll never have that feeling.  That is long gone, and I’ll never feel it.  I know that now and I just have to accept that.  I want to be free of this feeling of aloneness.  I keep getting told that one day everything will be great.  You know I try to believe that.  I try to be a good man.  I try to work hard.  I try to help when people need help.  But I’m just wondering when my big break is coming.  I’m tired of waiting for “one day” and I just want it to come already.  Everyone else seems to have everything going for them except me.  I seem to be stuck in the same place for as long as I can remember.  And I want to know when is my big break coming.”