Mental Health

“To whomever cares,

I’ve gone back and forth on writing this letter.  While on the outside I seem like I have it all together, inside I am tired.  Tired physically, tired emotionally, tired mentally.  I want to give up.  It seems that up to this point everything has gone from bad to worse to terrible.  I try to remember the good times, so I could forget the bad ones.  However, the bad times out way the good.  I try to remember working at Margaretville.  I could see the ocean every day.  The warmth of the sun on my face.  That being said I am reminded of the workers I was with.  How they treated me like I was nothing.  That I had no value in this world.  I remember working at Disney.  It is everyone’s dream to work with a big corporation like them.  I was living the dream.  Until I realized that I had no one there.  I spent my time at the parks alone.  Longing for just someone to do something with.  Even if it was just for ten minutes.  That would’ve been enough.  And that even carries over to where I am at right now.  All I want is someone.  Not in the romantic relationship sense, just a friend.  Everything I had is gone and I’m here.  Alone.  But you know what, it’s okay.  Because I figured that if I break or if I’m hurt or lose my way, I’m not going to fix it.  Why bother?  What’s the point?  I feel like nobody cares unless it suits them.  I mean nothing to no one.  I know that now.  It would be nice to have just one person to care.  It would be nice to just have someone.  And not when it’s convenient for them.  It has gotten to the point where I feel like I’m only ever needed whenever someone needs something from me.  And once that is over I am tossed aside like a piece of trash without a care in the world.  Just once it would be nice to have someone to talk to.  Someone to be there when I need them.  But everyone is always “busy” or “tired” or whatever excuse is going around at the time.  I hope one day I can feel like I mean something to someone.  I hope one day I matter.  I hope I could find someone to just be myself with.  I don’t think it’s too much for me to want that.  Nor do I think that it’s too selfish for me to want to mean something to anyone.  But maybe it is.  Maybe I just meant to be this way.  Maybe I was just meant to be there for everyone else and not have anyone be there for me.  Maybe some of us are just meant to be alone.  I wish I could feel happy again.  I wish I could know that feeling again.  But I’m afraid I can never feel happiness again.  I mean nothing to no one.  And I feel like it would be better if I wasn’t around anymore.  I feel like the world would be better off without me.  I feel like everyone would be happier without me.  Not like they’ll notice if I was gone anyway.  I understand that people have lives of their own and I’m not the center of the universe.  But it would be nice to have one day to just have someone to do something with.  Not exactly spending money on anything.  Just hanging out would be enough.  It’s difficult to say this to anyone because they don’t want to hear it from me.  I’ve tried to say this to someone, anyone who would listen and they either tell me it’s my fault for being this way, or everyone feels like this, or they just laugh.  And in the end, they all leave.  They always leave.  I get left.  So, I’m afraid to say any of this to anyone because I’m afraid of being left again.  Maybe I should accept the fact that I’m meant to be alone.  I don’t know if this is just the ramblings of someone who is acting like a child or if I’m losing what’s left of my mind.  But this is how I am feeling.  I wish I didn’t feel this way anymore.  But I’m afraid I’m too far gone.  And I’m also afraid that if I continue down this path that the conclusion would be the ultimate end.  And I think that would be better for everyone.

To anyone that has read this I say this: Find the joy in life.  Tell the people in your life you love them.  Hold them close and spend time with them with every chance you get.”